Monday, January 17, 2011

Moi, Sabine

Regardez-moi. Qu'est-ce que vous pensez que vous me connaissez?
Regardez la photo:
 (photo courtesy of Nellie M. O'Malley and the rest of the D.A. staff)

Oui, c'est moi...dead-center in a heap of people probably suffering from pain, anger, downright confusion, or all of the above. The question is, how did THIS happen?
If you avidly read my blog or happen to know me, you'll know that I have no coordination whatsoever. To go along with this coordination, my vestibular sense is probably off about 99.99% of the time. 
If Lilly coerces me to try out for dance team (with her!) again...well...that's a different story for a different day. She's no more coordinated than I am. My last post? Yeah. Prime example.
D'accord, so maybe I'm not that uncoordinated, but it's a decent enough exaggeration that I'm using to get my point across. I do clumsy things all the time, but not because I'm Queen Uncoordinated, but rather because I daydream and sometimes shut out reality.
And I appear stupid, or spaz-like, which leads me to another effect of
I am apparently being called "Sabine the Spaz" now. Catchy and clever, non? I'd say so....or at least it was. Now, it's just downright old news. 

I could tell you what happened verbatim, but it reminds me of something horrible that happened to me back in France. Something I'd rather not relive. Especially not at this particular moment. Oui, I keep secrets. They are locked deep inside of me and will most likely never see the sun. There is so much more to me, my life than what I write or say. It's easy for people to bash my twin or find her totally ridiculous. Sandrine is ridiculous sometimes- there's no denying that- but only my family and I know the truth. Oh, and Sandrine has her fair share of secrets, too. She's in complete denial of them.

My life isn't as cut and dry as it appears. Every family has their fair share of secrets, problems...tu comprends. I just feel like nobody understands me. I came to America because I love traveling, learning, and I just wanted a new adventure (for so many reasons), but everyday, I ask myself, "Would I have been better off staying in France?" 

I'm just not like the Americans. I don't behave like them, I don't talk like them, and I most certainly and definitely DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES dress like them. I'm defined by my culture, how I was raised, where I was raised, who my family is, and so on and so forth and....yeah, you get my point. Culturally and behaviorally, I am the polar opposite of them, but we have something in common...something I can't quite put my finger on. It's a feeling I get. I'm struggling to define it...

I also ask myself, "Have I changed?" Do I look in the mirror and see the same Sabine I saw almost three years ago? I was the girl who spoke the truth, stood up for myself, lived to follow her dreams...what happened?
America and its people backed me into a corner, unable for me to speak for myself without potentially being called "weird"...

So...maybe I will never be who I was before; maybe I don't even know her anymore. But, maybe who I am today isn't so far from yesterday? (Ha- see what I did there?!?) 

Maybe I haven't changed. Maybe I just grew.


Wow...a moment of deep and personal though. I try to keep things light, but today, I really couldn't, with the pile and having watched the last episode of Hannah Montana last night. I was in the mood to right something insightful, maybe even a bit morose. 

P.S. I cried when I watched the episode...


Claire said...

I definitely felt you last night on the final "Hannah Montana" episode - it was the first show I really remember loving as a kid. And now it's gone. Goodbye, childhood.

Caelen12 said...

I saw the final Hannah Montana episode too!I'm not really a big fan of some of her songs but I LOVE her show! I thought the last episode was OK.I liked it but it never told us if she went to college or how people reacted.

Emily said...

My family has some pretty secret secrets, too, mostly concerning my father. Like you said, I think every family has their dark demons.

I hope Americans aren't making you too miserable. It is no fun being stuck somewhere where you feel you don't fit in. But, hey, you do have something in common with me, an American: obsessions! I can tell you really love Miley Cyrus. And myself, well, you read my blog, lol.


Sophie Amélie said...

Salut Sabine,

If I may point out the obvious, you do dress like at least one American - Miley Cyrus! Remember Halloween?

*sigh* I definitely know what it's like to be uncoordinated. I am that for sure. Unlike you, I can't use daydreaming as my excuse - I'm that uncoordinated. It almost shames me how bad I am on my feet in a family of dancers. Bien sûr, Papa isn't so coordinated either. I guess I take after him.


Miranda said...

I don't qiute feel as the same person, either. I WAS born in the U.S.A., but I am half Canadian- I even have the accent, so I just don't consider myself American. I do have the same personality, I am patriotic to my country, but that personality is in favor of Canada, not America. I feel like I was made for cold weather, most like winter, and I just like Canada better. I feel like a fish out of water in America, much like I asume you do. I know how you feel about living in a country where you feel you don't fit in. :D


P.S. I plan to learn French soon, so I can finally read your posts the way they are originally written, and I don't need to press the translate button anymore!!! :D